I’m a clothed woman voicing an unpopular opinion online, so I’m Internet troll bait.[ref]
What do me and my trolls have in common? We could all stand to react in healthier ways to feeling vulnerable.
On Facebook last week I posted a brief “Thank you” to the hens that laid my breakfast. One man commented on the thread. He dropped in just long enough to call me a “dumb c#nt.”
Well.
Putting ourselves, our ideas, and our creations out there makes us vulnerable. But we needn’t have our ideas splayed spread-eagle on the Internet to feel vulnerable. We can have a child or send one off to school. We can ask for a job or a raise. We can be waiting for a call from the doctor. We can voice a dissenting opinion. We can be the first one to say ‘I love you.’ In these moments, we’re at the mercy of the universe. We throw the dice and wonder – will we (or our children) be met with kindness? Acceptance? Good news? Love?
I live in this question every day, as do we all. Back when I was obese, and the answer was often ‘No.’ Leaving the house or engaging with the world in any way opened me to way more than my fair share of attack and criticism.[ref]And it’s not just overweight folks facing scrutiny and hostility just for being, nossir. Our odds of having to deal in some way with overt or subtle discrimination, go up the further we are from the middle-to-upper-middle class, able-bodied, average-sized, educated, heterosexual white man end of the spectrum. Interestingly, the person who called me a c#nt fits this description to a ‘T.’ He’s even Canadian! An informal poll of my trolls reveals that 95% fit this description (all but the Canadian bit). You can’t make this shit up, folks.[/ref]
I was humiliated and beaten on the playground for my size. I heard “You’re not the kind of person we’re looking for” when I applied for a waitressing job. I was actually yelled at by gynecologists and orthopedic surgeons to lose weight by any means necessary.[ref]Yes, really.[/ref]
I was a hot shit so I never did beat anyone to the ‘I love you’ punch, but I digress…
Vulnerability is uncomfortable, and no one is immune to it; not the luckiest, most put-together, and most privileged among us, and certainly not those of us who feel mocked or judged every day for who we are or how we look.
And whoever and whatever we are, we all adapt to soften the blow.
Many of us flip into attack mode, but exactly how, or who we go after, depends a lot on our gender.[ref]There’s no hard and fast rules here, of course. Some men direct their aggression inward, and some women, when feeling vulnerable, make the Hulk look like a fluffy green kitty.[/ref]
When feeling vulnerable, some folks ‘act out’ – especially men. Faced with fear and insecurity, some become angry or aggressive, or both. Some become Internet trolls, leaving everything from sexist two-word smack-downs on Facebook to five-page-long explorations of ignorance in the comments section of my blog…I mean…in the comments sections of blogs.
[tweetthis]#Vulnerability often makes men lash out, women lash in. #mentalhealth[/tweetthis]
When feeling vulnerable, some folks ‘act in’ – especially women. Faced with criticism and prejudice – real or imagined – many women internalize those messages and/or abuse themselves. (Me? I ate, smoked, drank, did a few drugs, and became my own most merciless critic, ‘cause I’m an overachiever. BAM.)
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Some folks do both. Faced with the possibility of romantic rejection, some folks go through significant others like Kleenex, while others avoid romance like a snake pit.
And one man, when faced with one post by one woman on Facebook, after a lifetime (or maybe just a morning) of internalized shame and criticism, feelings of fear and self-loathing, inadequacy, mediocrity, and uncertainty, might casually call her a ‘dumb c#nt,’ fantasizing that he’d really shown her, when all he’d really done was show that he’s exactly like the rest of us.
Update March 3, 2015:
A few days ago, the Troll in Question sent me an invitation to connect on Linkedin:
Looks like we have one other thing in common: Balls.
[tweetthis]Internet trolls make strange choices-this 1 takes the breakfast burrito #vulnerability[/tweetthis]