These days you can’t flip your ponytail without hitting an “article” by a “fitness professional” claiming that cardio is good for women. This once-obese personal trainer is here to set the record straight.
Ladies – think twice before including cardio in your workouts. Here’s why:
1- ARD (Acute Rhythm Development).
If you’ve never been one to clap to the beat, the repetitive tempo of most cardiovascular exercise carries a serious risk of ARD (Acute Rhythm Development). Want to keep drawing attention to yourself and making other folks uncomfortable at live music events? Then avoid doing anything with a predictable, repetitive rhythm – especially cardio.
2- Sweat is icky.
Sure, everyone sweats, but that doesn’t make it OK. Any reasonable lady would rather overheat and die than be caught with pit stains[ref]EEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWW![/ref] – in or out of the gym. If you’re committed to maintaining the facade of the ageless, rose-scented, bodily-function-free female, then cardio is a serious no-no.
3- Your time is precious.
You have important things to do, amiright? Conversations to rehash, years-old mistakes to agonize over, co-workers and family members to correct and educate (if only in your head), abstract worry wormholes to fall into like a tedium-obsessed Alice in a bitterly-disordered and manic Wonderland… You don’t have time to waste on frivolous BS like your own health and well-being. Please.
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4- Cardio is a little too much like sex.
Heart pounding. Drenched in sweat. Breathless. Rhythmically moving up and down – slow, then fast, then slow again – focused on your body in the present moment. Then, after it’s over, settling into a period of calm, quiet satisfaction, enveloped in the soothing, subtle hum of sensual exhaustion.
Seriously, though, who has time for that crap? (See #3)[ref]And #2 for that matter. Shit.[/ref]
5- Therapy, ruined.
Think about it. If you do cardio – or any exercise, for that matter – early in the day, then everything you do for the rest of the day will feel easier. If everything feels easier,[ref]Like dealing with your coworkers, your clients, rush-hour traffic, your good-for-nothing children, or your dope of a spouse…[/ref]then what the heck are you gonna talk about in therapy?[ref]OK, OK – you got me. Hi, Mom![/ref]
Take that, SoulCycle.[ref]Or should I say, “SoullessCycle”? Ha![/ref]